I have always dreamed of owning a dog that would become my running companion; a happy tail-wagging friend that would trot happily by my side. A Goldendoodle seemed like the perfect fit… a medium sized dog with a decent amount of energy.
And then we got Marley.
I waited over a year to run with my new buddy; protecting his developing legs and hips. When they day finally came, I hooked Marley to his leash and away we went trotting down the trail… for about 50 feet.
That’s when Marley jammed on the breaks. I gently tugged, bribed with treats, patted his head, gave an inspirational speech about the benefits of exercise. Nothing worked! I walked Marley home and took off down the lonely path on my own.
To this day Marley flat out refuses to run. A big, fat NO is his answer whenever I suggest some exercise… which leaves me out on the road… alone.
When Piano Students Say “No!”
Thankfully piano students are not puppies. And although some can act like crazy animals from time to time, it is much easier to reason (eventually) with a piano student than it is a puppy. The key to success with piano students who frequently refuse new repertoire, exercises and even games is to ignore the power struggle and focus on the positive.
If you’ve had any experience with a stubborn piano student then you’ll know that trying to force your way when a student simply says “No” can be virtually impossible. Like Marley putting the breaks on, an ensuing power struggle will only inspire a student to dig in their heels even deeper. So when a piano student says “No”, resist the urge to say “tough luck”.
Getting From “No” to “Yes”
When a piano student enters refusal mode in my studio I don’t push the issue. Instead I talk with my student about how it will feel when he finally says “yes”. I know that sounds airy-fairy but here’s how the journey to yes looks.
1. Resist the urge to push the issue.
2. Discuss why you personally would like them to give the task a go…”I have an awesome piece to play next but we need to learn this piece first because it teaches us all about syncopation, and you need to know syncopation in order to rock out.”
3. Highlight what they can accomplish easily because of skills mastered previously. Doing so will let them know that saying yes does not mean they’re entering into a world of frustration.
4. Make them aware of the extrinsic rewards associated with saying yes (ie. making progress on a practice incentive).
5. Change focus and reintroduce the issue a little later on. This will give your piano students the opportunity to mull it all over and will undoubtedly lead to an easier yes.
Change Your Piano Students’ Default Setting
Stubborn piano students are pre-programmed to say, “No”. Curing them of this habit will not happen overnight. Do your best to stay calm. Do your best to stay motivating. Do your best to avoid power struggles. Inspire your stubborn students to say, “Yes”.
And when they do say, “Yes”, I promise it will be a victory like you’ve never experienced!
Additional Help For Step 2
In Step 2 above we discussed using a “rockin’ piece” as repertoire to get them moving from no to yes. If you need a rockin’ piece for guaranteed inspiration, check out our comic-based piano book series, The Adventures of Fearless Fortissimo.
Sandra says
In my many years of teaching, I have never had a student refuse to learn a new song. But once I had a student refuse to work on a troublesome passage. I called the parent to come and get her — not because she refused, but because she was very rude and ugly about it, and I could see that nothing more was going to come of that particular lesson. ….I have since learned to head that kind of behaviour off at the pass. ….Move on to something else If I sense strong resistance. But I have to add that I would never keep a student who is routinely uncooperative!
Jane says
I had a similar situation as you, Sandra, when a very gifted 13 year old refused to count out loud. She was a transfer student and I hadn’t had her for very long, but she played wonderfully. She had trouble with the rhythm on one of her songs, so I asked her to count with me – no playing involved – just reading aloud the counts that were already written in her score. I demonstrated, then asked her to say it with me. She was silent. I said “say it with me,” and she stayed silent. When I said that I may as well call her mom to pick her up because the lesson was over, she cried! I was not expecting that whatsoever – nobody had ever cried at their lesson before! She became very apologetic, begged me not to call her mom and said “I just hate counting! I don’t get it!” And that was a real break through for us. I told her I hated it too! I understood, and that’s why I was able to help her if she would let me. I told her how uncomfortable it was for me as a teacher if I ask something and am ignored. I never saw any disrespect or stubbornness from her again. And I didn’t call her mom at the lesson, but I did later, just to tell her what happened. Her mom thanked me for how I handled it. Remembering that incident, and how it turned out great, I had another teenage girl several years later, completely ignore me about pedaling. She was definitely rude and ugly. I told her the lesson was ending right then. She didn’t care, but the mom was furious with me! In hindsight, I wish I would have stopped their lessons right then. It ended about a year later, but teaching that family was always stressful. I can be stubborn, too, and sometimes want something to work so badly, when I should move on to something else, too!
Robin Madden says
Oh, I am old now, but I remember being the student who cried because I hated counting, and thus played two songs W R O N G. So I tell on myself to my students who hate to count. They still hate to count, but they seldom cry. They do like clapping, for which I am must grateful.
Beverly Ailiff says
I have a 3rd grade student who just started lessons with me, so she is still in her Primer level book. When she plays something incorrectly and I try to correct her, she argues with me. When I explain it or play it the correct way, then she says…”but I DID play it right.” Any ideas on how to deal with that?
Mary says
I have used recording their playing as a teachable moment for students who don’t listen to what they are playing-for some the light goes on when they actually hear what they did and compare it to what I play. I have an ancient cassette recorder which brings a smile to their faces when I drag it out, which lightens the mood somewhat and keeps them less defensive.
Kathryn says
I say, “Okay, I’m going to play this phrase two different ways, and you tell me which one is right!” Then I play it the way they did and I play it right. When they choose the right way, most of them actually hear their mistake in my mimicry of “the wrong way” and some even admit it. Then we work on the fingering, rhythm, dynamics or whatever, so they can do it right the next time. (If they choose the wrong way we go back and review the concept they are stumbling over at a more basic level.) It heads off the argument over whether they did it right by demonstrating you heard EXACTLY what they did. Next time they are less likely to argue, plus it is fairly effective at isolating what the problem was for them in the first place.
Andrea says
Thanks so much for sharing Kathryn!
Jeannie says
I guess I am a push-over. If my student tells me “no”, I usually say something like, “OK, let’s look at this.” And I just go on to another area, whether it is another song, a game, whatever. If I determine that the reason they say “no” is because they don’t like the piece, what is wrong with just going on? If I believe that they say “no” because they want control, let them think they are getting control by moving on and then break the song down the next 4 weeks and in week 5, put it all together. We are the teacher, but if we have to give in once and a while, is it so bad? I live in a community of 3000 people of so and have only had 1 student who wanted to learn music for a profession — my students wants to have fun so that’s what we do. Fun music has paid me well for over 7 years now and my schedule is full — 31 students this semester.
Jennifer says
Hi Beverly,
I have had several students over the years who argue and say “I DID play it that way.” Now instead of trying to reason with them or describe how they played it, I just say ok and ask them to play it one more time for me while I record them. I use garage band on my iPad, but you could use any recording feature on a smart phone, or other recording device you have. I find this a very valuable exercise because students often don’t realize that they are making a mistake – when they hear themselves, and the particular bar or bars in question on the recording, they stop arguing.
I’ll admit, though, that students arguing with me inevitably leaves me feeling quite shaken, no matter how successfully I am able to deal with it. Part of it is, I believe, because I never would have dared utter a word or protest to any of my piano teachers, or ever thought of being rude to one of them, and I find it is becoming more common now. I have been teaching for almost twenty years, and I have noticed a real rise in “attitude” over the last 5 years in particular. Sometimes I am afraid that students no longer realize what a privilege it is to take music lessons, and I find that very sad. However, I know this doesn’t just apply go music teachers – my husband is a school teacher, and it seems that in today’s public school system (at least where we are) the system is so lenient that students aren’t developing a very strong sense of responsibility (no repercussions for late assignments, missed quizzes, etc. which I find bizarre). So I think that, particularly in some areas, perhaps depending on the school system our students are enrolled in, arguing and refusing to work are habits that students have developed because they haven’t learned that this kind of attitude is unacceptable, and haven’t yet developed a strong sense of self-discipline. And that really creates challenges in the music studio! If a student is repeatedly rude to me, I do call the parent and explain that if she or he would like to continue, there are things that need to change, and discuss attitude and practicing.