“Every child is just one caring adult away from a being a success story.” This quote from American youth advocate Josh Shipp is one of those quotes that I keep in the front of my mind.
Why? Because it reminds me that I have the ability to turn things around for every child I teach. And while this may feel like a massive responsibility… it’s also a massive privilege. What if I am “the one person” who can make the biggest difference in the life of a student?
And while inspiring quotes are all good and nice, and ideas of students dedicating their Carnegie Hall premiere performances to their “beloved piano teacher” are fun to think about… I am still grounded enough to know that difficult students are… difficult. Let’s not sugar coat anything here; teaching piano to kids is not all roses and butterflies.
However, over many years of refusing to give up on even the most difficult of piano students, I’ve found that often it was my most difficult students that eventually became my favorite piano students.
Perhaps it is the joy of seeing invested time and effort come to fruition. Perhaps it is the pleasure of seeing difficult children mature into well-adjusted adults. Perhaps it is simply a sense of relief that we both “got through those years”. Whatever it is, I’ve found great satisfaction in embracing the challenge that is… difficult students.
Today we’re sharing a 3-Step Action Plan you can use to help yourself become that “one caring adult” for the students in your studio who require more patience and understanding.
Teaching Piano To Difficult Piano Students
Below we’ve set out a 3-step action plan for improving your working relationship with difficult piano students. By being aware of your own expectations and your students’ needs, and by having a course of action to turn to when things don’t go as planned you’ll be a more relaxed, happier piano teacher. Let’s explore our 3-step plan below…
Step 1: Be Aware Of Your Own Expectations
Sometimes a difficult piano student is only difficult because they fail to meet our expectations. But this isn’t necessary the fault of the child. We have to make sure that our expectations are realistic and based on each individual student’s abilities. Learning piano is not a “one size fits all” activity. What we expect from one child cannot be what we expect from another child. So, to eliminate frustrations for you and your students, be sure to:
- Set lesson goals that are specific to each individual student
- Set, and then teach, behavioural expectations. Be flexible for challenging students but have a clear “line in the sand”
- Set long-term goals to eliminate the stress that comes with assessing progress on a week by week basis
Step 2: Understand Your Student’s Needs
It’s important to remember that we are teaching kids first… and piano second. While there are many things that I need from my piano students, I am also aware that there are many things that my students need from me… and these needs change from student to student. We should have a “needs awareness” for all of our students; an awareness that is developed by considering the following:
- How can we create an environment in which the student feels safe to learn?
- What is a student’s most prominent need and how can it be met every week?
- How does addressing or ignoring this need affect the student’s behaviour?
Step 3: Have An Action Plan For Unpredictable Situations
Children appreciate predicability, routines and clear expectations. But when you are teaching students things can go off the rails at a moment’s notice. So, not only is it important to have a lesson plan, but it is also important to have a “game plan” to follow each and every time a lesson plan get derailed. When developing a “disaster” plan, piano teachers should consider:
- How we will re-direct difficult behaviours to positive behaviours
- How we will “save a lesson” if a challenging student is having a bad day
- How we can apply fair consequences when a student fails to meet expectations
Your Plan Is In Place… Now Stick To it!
One of the most common things we hear from piano teachers who are dealing with difficult students is “I just get so frustrated and I don’t know what to do.“
Having your 3-part plan (from above) will help prevent these feelings of frustration and provide you with a plan of action when the need arises. It helps you feel constantly in control of any situation and it helps your students feel consistently secure in their lesson times. This combination works to improve your working relationship with difficult students.
Being a patient, predictable and caring person in the life of your students is one giant step toward being that “one caring adult”.
Looking for more “Dealing With Difficult Students” Advice?
How To Teach Piano in 84 Seconds
6 Piano Teaching Strategies For Fidgety Piano Students
8 Strategies For Teaching Piano To Students With ADD or ADHD
How to Read Your Students’ Mind And Avoid A Disastrous Lesson
Claire Cochrane says
Do you have any advice for teaching students with autism?
Roni Rothwell says
When I had my first autistic pupil a few years ago, I read a lot about it, and then, when I met him, I realised it was all useless/ not relevant to our lessons or to his behaviour.
I spoke to the mother and told her honestly that I had no training in special needs, but she was happy to give it a go. I taught him for 3 years and we developed a really good method of “making deals” = I’ll allow such-&-such if he does such-&-such first. Sometimes there were melt-downs, which I found heart-breaking, but only once in 3 years did I stop the lesson and say his behaviour was unacceptable (he was 8 or 9 at the time).
Since then, I have taught (and still am teaching ) occasional autistic or special needs pupils and EVERY ONE is different.
Therefore, my answer to you, Claire, is: I don’t have specific advice, other than see how each one reacts to different styles and tempo within the lesson. Some love repetition and routine, some get immediately bored with it: then turn things upside down/ slow motion/ speed up/ duets/even play backwards!
Good luck
Melinda says
Do you-or anyone else reading this!- have any specific suggestions for pinpointing the needs of your student? I have one….a 7 yr old girl, who recently turned difficult in the last few months, but it’s not for just me. Her mom home schools her and she has been exhibiting the same behaviours with her mom. I’ve had the strongest feeling her need is to be in control, but when I GIVE her control (let her choose the order of events in the lesson, give her choices in repertoire, etc) she STILL shuts down (ie a “I know what you’re trying to do and I’m not playing along”). Or she chooses, but then later says she did NOT choose a particular piece or sequence etc. Behaviours I’m seeing are: a knee jerk response that EVERYTHING is “boring” ie: “I’ve got a great new game for you!” “Boring!”, when I ask her to give me an answer, the answer is “ribbit” and when I play to that, trying to be silly and making it work, the response is a scowl, she will hide under the bench or behind the door or anywhere else when asked to demonstrate something, or when I bring something out that she has decided she doesn’t like, she will force herself to cry. The most frustrating thing is that her mom and I can’t figure out “what makes her tick” or what would motivate her. It seems like the golden ticket with any child is knowing what motivates them and have that motivating factor a part of lessons. I have some behaviour plan ideas to be very gentle, yet firm, in her next lesson; explaining what she is doing and what I want her to do instead and practicing such behaviour, but if anyone has more ideas, I am completely open! She is very bright and very capable. She is the kind who could completely whiz through 2 method book levels in one school year if she wanted to. Her mom and I both worry that if she were allowed to quit piano, she would have proof that she can manipulate anything in or out of existence in her life, which would be really bad for mom! I did have a tiny bit of success last week (after she’d been on vacation one week) when teaching, I asked her to teach me and show me how to do some things in a piece she had already played, it sort of worked (begrudgingly on her part she demonstrated some things) and when I taught her seconds and thirds and she needed to write the names of the notes in the method book pages, we literally named the notes. The only caveat was the first initial had to be the correct note name (and I let her use colored pencils, which usually isn’t a draw for her, but it miraculously worked that time), so we had Carli and Dale, Dale and Ellie, etc. but it feels like it’s short lived because she won’t allow anything positive or fun to come from an outside source; like if she admits that the adults in her life are actually not the enemy, she will lose control. It’s baffling to me!
Sharon Lapsley says
In my opinion, this is not something you can resolve in a piano lesson. That a 7-year old child would exhibit such rebellious behavior –typical in teenage years — makes me think there is something else going on in this child’s life that you don’t know about. Something that is happening in this child’s life that should not be, or something that is not happening to her that should be. In my opinion this child needs to be seeing a therapist to find out the underlying problem causing this behavior and to resolve it.
Debbie says
I agree with Sharon Lapsley. Something else is going on in her life that is out of her control, so she is trying to gain a sense of control back. I would be very sensitive and caring with this child and help them find success and happiness in making music. Lighten up on expectations and let learning be fun so this child has something positive to connect with.
Irina says
I find that some theory lessons are more successful in a group setting.
Sandra says
Boy, is that kid in control!! …Look at all the attention she is getting by having everyone tied in knots and trying to please her — and then refusing to be pleased!!
Identifying the problem here is not hard, but finding an answer will be harder. I will be interested to read what suggestions are offered. My gut feeling is that you should keep your cool, and keep tryng to find ways to reach her ….but not try so hard. (If that makes any sense)
I would also guess that she needs to spend more time in situations where she is one of several children and is not the constant center of attention. Can you set up group situations where she can participate? It might help her if she sees how other kids respond to lessons; and it might spark an interest. …Some kids learn a lot through interacting with their peers.
Elizabeth says
I’m a piano teacher of 20+ years and am also a homeschooler (for nearly as long) and a therapeutic parent to some really difficult children due to their past trauma. Without knowing anything more than you have described, and since the mother seems as baffled as you, I agree with the above commenter that it truly seems that something else is going on. Children do the best with what they have and this child seems as the end of her limit. Seven is far to young to be showing such behavior if there is a healthy background. I would say that she is doing her very best to tell the adults around her that something is going on and she is not dealing with it. I don’t think it is because she is homeschooled and “the center of attention.” Being with other children may curb her behavior at that moment, but if there is something else going on, then the mother will take the brunt of it at another time. I would strongly urge the mother to seek out the help of a therapist to investigate what might be causing this behavior.
I know to people who have had success with traditional consequence-based methods of interacting with children, this seem a bit too much like letting the child off the hook. I understand because I lived in that place for many, many years. Some children do not function well with consequence-based interactions and need a different approach.
Linnea Good says
Agreed.
Melinda says
Thank you to everyone so far! I have some plans (already in the works before this post came up) to use some Kazdin method ideas, where you identify the behaviour that is not acceptable and then define the “positive opposite” of what I want her to do instead and then practice it. There are some rewards with this system, but they are designed to not be weaned out fairly quickly, and I’ve used it successfully with my own children (I picked Kazdin up because a Brain research book recommended it! It was a fascinating read called Welcome to your Child’s Brain, from Conception through College). But I’m not sure the infrequency of a piano lesson will make a huge difference.
She did attend one of my mini music camps and since my 11 year old daughter was participating, she was quite a bit more agreeable than usual. I do plan on having some “game days” like the Dow’s have throughout the year so I’ll see if I can make sure she can come to those.
I will also take Elizabeth’s advice, there is a fabulous center for helping parents and kids in behavioural situations like this near where I live…now does anyone have advice on how to proceed with a recommendation like this with tact and grace?
Melinda says
whoops!! I meant it to read that the rewards ARE Meant to be weaned out quickly! I started writing that they were meant not to be used for long, but didn’t like the sound of it when I first wrote it!
Ashley says
Wow. That does sound very frustrating! I have had some difficult students in the past. Often it’s a bad day, but a couple times it’s been prolonged. After nudging them in positive ways with no improvement I tend to lay out exactly how I feel. Unhappy, disappointed, etc. I try to inform them that they are there, regardless of desire to be there, their parent paid for them to do it, and I do my best to make it fun. So, if they want to waste time, money and effort in a lesson they need to talk to their parent about another option. They do really care about their parents and don’t want to hurt them most of the time. So, pointing out that they are upsetting them shines a light on the effect their behavior is having on those around them.
If it went for more than a semester, I would probably discuss with the parent the opportunity to step out of lessons. Because you don’t need that kind of headache week after week!
I hope you find relief and are able to break through to her!!
Becky says
Is the parent in the room when the lesson is occurring? If this is the case, I would ask the parent to leave and see if things turn around a bit. Ask her to map out her ideal lesson might help – give her a worksheet to write it down and she’s allowed to include anything as long as it relates to music. Offer totally different things: study a composer, play music games, teach YOU a song she created at home, etc. You may want to try restarting completely to build the trust and see what happens.
Leslie says
I’ll be the first to say I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I’ve had a fair share of students like this and it’s no picnic. I understand we are the professionals and should be expected to handle all different kinds of pupils, but we are first and foremost teachers and shouldn’t have to wear all different kinds of hats. I expect to get pushback from other teachers, but just wanted you to have my empathy first. I know this was from a few years ago, but it looks like we will always run into a select few students like these. I’m curious to see if this student continued with you and if anything started clicking during these lessons as I have a difficult child right now as well.
Paula says
I struggled with one young student this year. It took my utmost patience to make it from Sept – April because there were successes every week, but not without me being tested at each lesson along the way. I wanted to see progress so much, that I unfortunately made the wrong decision when some lessons were missed. Looking back I would have just let the missed lessons be a part of the overall experience rather than responding by questioning the need to be away sometimes. So, thank you for a beautifully thought out piece about how I should respond individually to each students needs, a great reminder.
Kim Harris says
I have a 15-year-old boy I’ve been teaching for about 2-1/2 years. He was just finishing the Piano Adventures 2B books when he started with me, and has made pretty good progress, now nearing the end of the Level 4 books. But it’s not actually really good progress, as I see it, as we have skipped many, many pieces because he just wasn’t willing to do more than stumble through them a couple of times.
He is a strong reader, and most usually his habit is to stumble through a piece in the lesson, again a couple of times on his own, and once more then following week. And if I assign the piece for a second week it comes back worse than before.
I have tried everything I can think of to engage his interest, bringing different styles of music; he doesn’t seem to actually like anything, though he has not asked to quit lessons, so there is clearly some kind of interest.
As his pieces have become more complex I’ve FINALLY been able to at least get him to read through them hands separately first (!), which has helped a bit I think. And in the past few months have been able to do some focused work on specific short sections working with technical skills in the lesson, and he has seemed to engage with that a little bit.
He does have a good artistic sense, and he plays percussion in band so his rhythm is good, usually. He will often work on a piece for a week and come back able to play through it moderately well, and when coached does a pretty good job of including articulation and dynamics.
But I have never been able to get him to actually play pieces fluently, there are always lots of hesitations and stumbles. I try to get him to slow down to the point of fluency and he’ll start to approach that but never really get there. And again, if I reassign the piece for another week it usually gets worse.
So I’ve opted for accepting the “once over lightly” approach and continuing to move on, even though I feel he’s not learning anything well, rather than trying to nail his foot to the floor till he does learn something well, because he just won’t.
I would greatly appreciate any suggestions!
Patricia says
How about a group class, in which you teach them the 3 P’s:
Practise level
Playing level
Performance level
Get them to play something and grade it themselves;
“Which level do you think this piece is at?”
Get them to regroup again within a month and have 1 or 2 pieces each at performance level.
Positive peer pressure might work here….. Your student will not want to embarrass himself by not being at “performance level”
….. Best of luck
Deb says
Thanks to Patricia. I like these 3 P’s thing !
Roni Rothwell says
I love those 3 P’s!
This blog is so wonderful, to hear from other teachers with new insights and ideas.
Janice Roelofs says
I also had a challenging young student who would be just fine – cooperative, happy, and responsive, until about 15 minutes into the lesson, she would suddenly begin to pout, to glare at me, to refuse to do anything I asked, to literally lie on the floor and crawl around the room whenever I approached her. Even the things we had done in previous weeks did not bring a response from her. Sometimes she would ask for her mommy, but often, even when her mom finally came to pick her up, she would be stubborn and refuse to obey her mother. Her mom and I finally decided that we were not accomplishing anything and would take a break, but I felt really sad and defeated about that, too. Rewards did not help, and neither did brief time-outs where she would sit on a small stool away from the piano while I just sat quietly, saying nothing, waiting for her to show some signs of cooperation. I truly value any suggestions anyone can give!
Melinda says
As you can see from above, I’ve had some similar problems!! My next lesson with my hard student, I am going to use some things I’ve learned from a really great parenting book I got (because it was recommended by the author’s of a brain research book “Welcome to your Child’s Brain from conception through college”) called The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. One thing he says is to state the behavior you are seeing that is not acceptable, and then define the positive opposite, what you want them to do instead, and then practice that behavior. Only, I’m not exactly sure how well it will work with the infrequency of a piano lesson as compared to the rest of life. But I am going to have a candid talk and tell her what I expect from her and what she can expect from me and see where to go from there…
Becky says
I find when they’re like this they’re usually hungry/thirsty/tired. I know my students & parents well, so when this has happened in the past I offer a little snack/drink and things tend to perk up quickly.
Mary says
This hits home-I have dealt with ADHD students in the past (I have an adult son with this disorder, so this is nothing new to me). I have a 9 year old who is increasingly difficult to teach-focus is such a huge issue-we start the lesson with some rhythm echoes on percussion instruments-from drums to claves, to maracas-this goes over well, but it is a miracle if I can get him to play only one piece and concentrate on next week’s assigned song. I am thinking this week of letting him improvise a piece as well while I give him parameters of what notes to use. His parents, one of whom I have never met face to face (they are divorced) are totally detached from his lesson studies. I feel there is little or no practicing going on at home. It would be easy to throw up my hands and stop teaching him, but I believer there is SOME reason that he is in my home every week, but at this point, I have no idea what that is!
Tyra says
The above is in response to Melinda.
Jane says
I also have a request for advice. When do you tell a parent that there may be another extra curricular activity that their child will take to more than piano? I have taught a boy for 3 years now, who is extremely difficult. If I had to guess, I would say he is on the Autism spectrum, but there is no diagnosis. He has a short attention span, is very rude, impulsive/immature for his age, and emotional. He has told me that he never gets invited to anyone’s birthday parties, and he has no friends. He just started 5th grade and during his first lesson back after school began, he was really sad, saying that he hates school, there is too much homework, etc.. His dad says he only plays each song once when he practices, and practice is very rare. But, every now and then he actually seems to enjoy playing a song. Today, he went straight to my little Casio keyboard that has demos and played “Star Wars.” He told me he wanted to spend his whole lesson learning that song, so we spent about half of the time on it (that was better than him wanting to sit on the couch and whine!) So, these moments, which are few and far between, keep me motivated to work with him, even though I sometimes wonder if piano is doing him much good. Thoughts?
Joanna says
Hi Jane,
I too have a lot of students that have extensive behaviour issues, and as much as its not our job as piano teachers to diagnose anyone, learning about different disorders can be so helpful in helping keep the relationship between you and your student strong.
My philosophy has always been that you don’t know what type of impact you are having on a child’s life unless he or the parent come right out and tell you. Even the fact that he is willing to open up to you about hating school, etc shows that you have established a safe a trusting relationship together.
My inclination is that if there is even a hint of a spark there like what you saw in Star Wars, then it’s worth it to keep going!
That being said, I have a student currently with similar behaviour issues and its a struggle every lesson, which I feel drains my energy and leaves me just a little less patient for all my other students I see after him that evening. Maintaining the attitude that you can only do so much and then just learn to let go of expectations in the lesson can help you from feeling burnt out.
Drema says
Hi Melinda,
Thanks for sharing. I was reading your first post and noticed you mentioned you had a little bit of a success after she was away one week for a vacation. I wonder if it has anything to do with that. =)
Hope it goes well with your student.
Drema says
Mary,
It sounds like you’re a constant in his life because he gets to see you each week and you play & make music with him and allows him to express himself through music! =)
Judy says
I have found over many years, if I have rebellious, bad behaviour in a student, the best response from me is , to remain calm and quietly spoken. I talk about the issue for a little while etc etc. If I am not making headway, if they refuse to do anything, I sigh, pretend to be slightly bored, yawn, fold my arms, relax in my chair and tell the student that we do need to sit the time out as I have been paid for the lesson. We sit in silence, ( except for one or two more yawns from me) . I then suggest that time is dragging, maybe we should play something easy to help the time pass. Usually, with hands slowly dragged onto the keyboard they will start something. With another yawn, I then suggest we move along a bit further, they do……..and before we know it, we are close to normal!
As they reach the doorway on the way out, I say their name, and quietly, calmly say..” Don’t try that again with me will you? It doesn’t work” .
Very rarely does it happen twice.
It is usually a testing/manipulation to see who is in control, I try to make it clear without pressure or censure . Remaining gentle whilst giving guidelines seems to appeal to a child’s sense of fairness.
Valerie Letenyei says
Some things that have worked well for my challenging students:
1) Whiteboards and dry erase markers. Write down the activities for the lesson in different colors and let the child choose which one to work on and after each one is completed, they get to erase it. This is a strategy that helps students visualize the concept of time and builds a sense of accomplishment.
2) Small plastic frogs (or cars, dinosaurs, etc.) that sit on the student’s elbows to relax their arms and work on something “boring” like posture in a fun way. These toys can bring a connection for children with fantastic imaginations who are just looking for a “piano buddy”.
3) For the teenagers…Have them make a list of 3 songs they want to learn and find a way to teach it at their level. Have them identify phrasing clues, dynamics, chord structure, and possibly even write their own version of the song using Note flight (Free App). I include one of their chosen songs to end or begin each lesson (avoiding another routine that can be too predictable and turns them off) along with one song from A (not all) of their lesson books. Reinforce the need for scale warmups by relating to soccer or football practice…a coach wouldn’t start a scrimmage w/o first properly preparing the muscles and minds for the challenge ahead.
Just a few strategies that have made lessons more enjoyable for me and my students. I’ll be adding several of your suggestions to my teaching toolkit as well!!
Robbin says
This forum is great. The mere act of typing out the behavior of my difficult student made me realize what I needed to try next to improve her behavior. Hey – good job, guys!
hannah says
Hi Everyone. Just looking for what you consider “fair consequences”? I do games and off the bench activities. If there are behaviour problems, or lack of practice, I’m considering taking those games away, and just doing practice at the piano. Do you think this is fair?
Marion says
I have a child like that too. It is very difficult to teach her. She is so bright but she wants everything her own way.
She talks to her parents like that too. She is very unpleasant. Maybe it was a mistake to tell her that but it is getting very frustrating.