I’m sure we’ve all received emails or phone calls from piano parents that went a little something like this:
He’s wavering as to whether or not he wants to continue with piano next year. He says he likes it but he’s not sure he wants to continue. Until now we’ve left it totally been up to him whether he wants to take piano lessons or not. I don’t want to push him to do it because I don’t want it to become a negative thing when he’s doing so well and has so much potential! I know it would be such a shame for him to stop and lose all of what he’s learned so far, but he’s really reluctant to practice! We don’t know what to do. Maybe we’ll take a year off?
How should you respond? When a parent is asking for your advice, this is a great moment to share your passion for piano education in a way that can help parents wade through their emotions and choose a path that’s right for their family. Wording this can be difficult, so today we’re sharing an email template you can either use word-for-word or can modify to suit your individual situation.
When A Piano Student Wants To Quit Piano, Turn To This Email
Hi Susan,
I’m happy to help you out. Obviously my opinion is slightly biased, and only you know what’s truly best for your child, but because I really care about Toby, and because he is quite talented, here’s my take on the situation.
In my many years of teaching piano I can tell you that it is completely normal for kids to go through peaks and valleys in terms of their motivation on the piano. One of the wonderful things about learning an instrument is that it requires long-term commitment. It’s not an activity that you do short-term, gain an easily-learned skill and then move on. It requires months and years of “stick-with-it-ness” to get real results. The fabulous part of this, however, is that the results are long-lasting and life-enriching!
As children aren’t often exposed to these kinds of activities that require long-term work, it’s an experience that is (unfortunately!) new to them. It’s easy to choose to quit piano because it’s simply easier to not have to put effort into something. At Toby’s age it’s almost impossible for him to think long-term about the fact that he may actually want to be able to be able to play the piano later in life. Kids typically think in the here-and-now, and it can be difficult to truly decipher exactly what it is that is causing their “valley” in motivation at that particular moment. Often parents who choose to push through those low points are relieved just a few short weeks or months down the road when their child is “back on top” and loving music.
Piano lessons are also one of the only extra curricular activities that require children to take responsibility on their own at home. With most sports you are simply required show up and practice or play a game. Piano is different in that it requires a sense of self-discipline to continue the learning at home, and it can be hard for kids to see the benefits of developing this self-discipline (of which there are many).
I can tell you with 100% honesty that I have never, ever met someone who said “I’m sure glad my mom let me quit piano lessons.” In fact, I hear the opposite from people constantly!
I admire your desire to not make this a dreaded activity, because music should ultimately be an expression of joy. My studio’s focus is on creating opportunities for piano to be as fun as it can possibly be. However, as with learning any new skill there are times when what we are learning is more difficult.
I’m a true believer in the idea that feelings of self-esteem and confidence come from conquering difficulties and reaching goals. If we let children quit when things get tough, then they lose those opportunities to prove to themselves that they can do it; that they can work through an obstacle and come out on the other side better than they were before. If we leave the decisions up to them in instances like this, their “kid-ness” takes over and they choose the easy route because that’s what feels good in the moment. We as parents then don’t know if they actually chose to stop for reasons that might otherwise be easily remedied (i.e. it’s the end of the year and they’re getting a bit burnt out with school and other activities) or if they truly just do not want to play the piano.
Involving children in music is something I’m very passionate about as I have seen first-hand the social, emotional, and academic benefits that playing the piano brings. These benefits are the main reason I run my music studio (and started it in the first place). When I see a student like Toby, with heaps of potential, who has loved his lessons for several years, it’s sad to see them turn away from that, and I’d love to help him get excited about the piano again in any way I can.
Keep me in the loop as you work through this with Toby,
Andrea
Need Help Turning Situations Like This Around?
P.S. We were happy to hear back that this particular parent re-registered their child! Mission accomplished. But, if this email doesn’t work for you, it may be time to switch up your student’s repertoire. Having motivating and varied music is key to keeping your piano students interested and excited. PianoBookClub can help! We’ll send you a brand new book full of music every single month for just $8!
Your response to the parent was very well-thought out and written so eloquently. You put into words what is the true experience of a child who pretty much lives in the moment and does not think long term.
This was EXTREMELY helpful for me as I face these concerns from parents within my studio.
Thank you!!
Hi Michelle – so glad to hear this! I’m hopeful that other teachers will also be able to store this away for when they really need it. Not many people have their livelihood dependent on the whims of an 8 year old. It’s such an odd place for us to be in as piano teachers and we need mom or dad on our side to make it work long term (for our sake, but also for the child’s sake). Thanks for commenting!
I love it! One question, though. The e-mail tells the parent the importance of not “letting” the child quit, but doesn’t really offer advice on how the parent can do that without turning piano into something dreaded, or a “me vs. mean mom” battle. Any thoughts on that? I suppose you could tell the parent to ask the child to try for another 6 months or so (depending on the teacher’s policy on mid-year quitting, of course) and then re-evaluate, and then in the meantime the teacher would make a point of making rep extra-fun. Any other ideas?
Hi Melissa – Kris just left you some ideas in a comment below that are spot-on. It’s worth reading as I couldn’t say it better myself!
I said some of these very things at a recent recital. There were several non-piano students there, and I wanted to let them know how hard these students worked, how some will quit before they should, how they all go through those peaks and valleys. I saw knowing looks from the piano students and even had a mom come talk to me later about it. It’s a commitment they won’t regret.
In response to Melissa’s question: It might be helpful to talk with parents about how they could help make the child’s at-home practice fun rather than leaving it all up to the teacher, who only has the child once a week. For expample, would the child like it better if a parent were present while the child is practicing? Using your child’s practice time as a time for you to do some reading nearby might be nice. Can you offer fun rewards, like going for a bike ride together right after practice? Parents can also help motivate a child by engaging in an activity that requires commitment themselves: knitters can knit while their child practices. Even writers (or non-writers with a lot of correspondence to catch up on) can share the space and be company for their child. And, best of all, how about learning piano yourself and making duets with your child part of the fun?
Really really great points Kris. Thanks so much for sharing. You’re spot on with parents being passively involved in practice time. This not only takes some of the loneliness away from being a pianist, but it also sends a clear message that the parent values the child’s involvement in piano… and that goes a very long way. Doing duets with Mom or Dad… well that would just be the ultimate to any child! 🙂 Thanks again.
Andrea, this post is wonderful. I love the letter. Kris, thank you for the suggestions. I myself used to have knitting time or baking time when my kids were practicing. I have never actually suggested this to my parents, although I do talk to them about things to holler back from the kitchen.
Very helpful! Usually though, I just get an email and text now, so sorry will not be taking any more lessons. (that’s all). Didn’t expect this or anything. The texting people, I tell them you need to talk to me and I will not accept a quit by text.
Diane – what do you say when you talk to them after a “quit by text.” I love this post – I had 3 siblings last fall; I came to their home (they had a new grand piano), did Wunderkeys and spent a lot of time creating learning activities. After 8 weeks, it was time for more books. I saw the mom and kids just 2 days before their lessons and told them how excited I was for Tuesday lessons. Mom said NOTHING, but sent the email on lesson morning (the first week of the month when payment was due) “we put Chloe in dancing on Tuesday afternoons.” Nothing else. No more word or contact from the family. That was a substantial loss for me.
What could I have said or done differently?
Sometimes there is nothing I can say to change parents’ minds. But I have seen over the 40 plus years that I have been teaching that there may be embarrassment over the fact that they are stopping lessons. I do appreciate a phone call or an e mail in advance. There have been numerous times when students just quit coming, with no warning and even sometimes with money owed me. I have sent letters of concern asking if it was something I said or did, and have gotten NO reply or payment of money owed. My husband tells me that it is probably for the best that these students are gone, but there is always the guilt factor that I may have driven them away, not to mention the loss of income.
Do you have a minimum time and a notice policy? I have a minimum of a semester with a month notice policy. I also have a hefty non refundable deposit students pay in the summer that comes off their 4th quarter tuition the following spring. If they quit mid year, they don’t get that $200 per child deposit back. It discourages the “I’m going to try this for a couple of months” people from ever signing up.
Awesome! Really on point thanks for sharing!
When my son went through the “wavering” stage stage when he was about 14. We would be in the car going to his lesson. This was our conversation. Son: Mom, I think I want to quit piano. Mom: Oh.ok. Well we’re on our way there now, but we could talk about it later. …conversation repeated every week for at least a month. He stopped bringing it up and we just went to lesson after lesson, week after week. In fact he continued with his teacher well into college and only quit when she became too ill to teach. He was her last student. We’ve never spoken about that brief period of wavering, but he has his own piano at age 36 and still plays to his wife’s delight. I never MADE him practice, but the more he learned, the better played; and then discovered The Moonlight Sonata. Once boy met Beethoven, there was no need for Mom to do anything else.
Love this Marise – thanks for sharing. I wish all piano parents had your wisdom and long-term vision! What a great way to deal with those “valleys” in motivation. Kudos to you super mom!
I’m perusing this because I searched for a way to answer this question I got in an email just now….and I love that you said “Once boy met Beethoven, there was no need for Mom to do anything else” because my college flute professor tells a similar story about her second daughter who wanted to quit oboe after pursuing it for years. She told her “You get to the point where you can play a Beethoven symphony in a group and after that experience, you can quit”. She is a successful musician as an adult! Something about Beethoven just hooks people. The first time I played a Beethoven Symphony in an orchestra it was THRILLING! Even though I was on the second flute part. I am *hoping* that the Dow’s music and games are the thing that hooks kids until they get to the level when they can play Beethoven. But I am also aware that some people just don’t connect with music (just like I personally don’t connect with sports) and sometimes we have to let those people go, though it’s hard.
Thanks so much for this!!! A parent just called me with this exact scenario. Remembering this recent post, I literally _ran_ to my computer and found it. Looking at your comments as we talked, I passed on much of your advice. On the spot, it can be hard to think of the right things to say — your post really did it for me! I believe the student is saved, thanks to you!
Hi Ellen – that’s wonderful! Yes, there’s nothing worse than being put on the spot unprepared. I’m so glad this helped you and my fingers are crossed for both your sake and your students’ sake that they stick with lessons 🙂
I will be using this email (mostly word for word where possible) with a parent this week. Her 12-year-old son is a child prodigy, if I’ve ever seen one. Yesterday, I basically told her to step up to the plate and just be the mom and tell him quitting is not optional.
I agree with much of what has been said here.I agree that students should enjoy playing. However, there are times when piano practice simply is not fun. It is a LOT of hard work. And there is nothing wrong with teaching your kids to work hard, even when they hate it. If they said they don’t want to do math anymore, would you let them quit school. No! If they don’t enjoy cleaning their room or brushing their teeth, would you let them stop doing those things? No! There comes a point when, as a parent, you simply have to say, “I know this isn’t always fun. I know it’s hard work. I know you don’t see the life long value in it. But I’m your Mom, and I can see the bigger picture. And I believe it is in your best interest to continue with lessons.”
I’ve used similar wording with many parents over the years, and usually it works. This gives me time to get into the students, and families heads a bit more to see what I can do to motivate them more. For those of you who have had just plain rude parents drop you by text,…I say good riddance! Sooner or later that type of client will bring you more heartache than they are worth. I do try to be sure books are paid for in advance if I’m a little suspicious a student might drop,or if i don’t know them well yet. But sometimes you just get side swiped! We are dealing with all kinds of people in our profession!
I almost lost a student and I convinced her to stick with it. I completely revamped all her music and I am letting her be more creative now, and she loves it. She is not always as cooperative as I would like, but I love teaching her, and I love the challenge. She wants to even take this summer. So I will try my best to keep her interested.
I love this! So many good ideas to incorporate into a “please don’t quit” email or to remember for conversations about the subject in person.
However, I have reservations about using the term “talented” with my students. To me, it falls in the same category as the compliment “good job.” I try to use words like “musical” rather than “talented” because I’m not quite sure what “talented” means. To me, it sounds like you know what you’re doing without any help. I still want my students to want to learn musicality and technique. “Musical” sounds like you’ve got the potential to learn music. “Talented” sounds like you already know it.
I have been teaching for 40 years and this year I sent out my usual perky email to set up lessons and I get no response from a few of my families. My husband who teaches cello is getting the same thing from his older students/adults who should know better. This is a very tough profession ! No response just blows my mind!
I quit lessons after 2 years because I wanted to play my own accompaniments to sing, write songs and play by ear. I was a dedicated student with a lot of talent but came to realize that lessons didn’t offer the type of training I really wanted. I think lots of kids who want to quit feel the same way.
Recently I had the gratifying experience of my 20 year old saying, “I’m so glad I didn’t quit when I wanted to.” My husband and I often raise our eyebrows saying “There’s the girl with no passion for music” (referring to her oft repeated whine years earlier) as she tools through piano pieces of many genres just to relax. Besides knowing we were right – what parent doesn’t enjoy a mental “I told you so”? -her musical enjoyment fills our home with beauty and shared delight. It’s hard to communicate that to students, though, without sounding self-serving. I’m grateful for this sample letter.
Excellent balance between understanding and challenging. It amazes me how many parents allow their children to determine what is good for them. Sports are often chosen over music, but, like you say, it’s outwardly disciplined-and who wouldn’t rather be kicking a soccer ball with their friends rather than sitting alone at a piano. Yet, the benefits are all there. Thank you for this!
Hi Yvonne – I think you hit the nail on the head with saying that some parents allow their children to make decisions now a days. I do believe this is a major shift that has happened in the last 15-20 years and it really does affect piano teachers in a big way. Hopefully this letter helps you to show those who have questions that the benefits of long-term commitment to something they value are worth sticking with something.
This is great! A few years back I finally met the ONE AND ONLY person I’ve ever known to say that they don’t have a single ounce of regret quitting piano as a kid. As a result, as a parent, to appease her husband’s request, she signs up each kid for piano (they took lessons with a friend of mine, not me) and at her request, they only have to take lessons until they ask to quit. My friend (the piano teacher) said that this mom also paid the child for “passing off” a song ($1/song! when she found that out, she upped her standards of “passing off” for that student) and said to the piano teacher “I’m just waiting for _____ to quit.” It’s SO bazaar! You’d have to have an insanely self-motivated child to stay in piano with that kind of attitude all around him/her. I have one student who when she signed up, her mom told me that she was only required to take lessons until she turned 16 in Dec. (both flute and piano), so I knew there was a chance she could drop, but her birthday came and went and she’s still with me! Hopefully with my new goals (which include several things I’ve gleaned from your blog!) being implemented, she’ll keep on coming!
Just had a parent send me a text saying they were going to quit. I thought, “what the hay? I’ll send her this email, tailored to his situation, and just see what happens.” Well, a couple minutes later, she texted me back saying that she will push him to keep going. She knows it is best for him and they will continue lessons! Amazing! Thank you sooooooo much!
Thank you SOOOO much for this blog as well as the one about reluctant recital students. Just yesterday I had an outpatient procedure and one of the nurses told me that she always wished she had taken piano lessons. I said, “I’ve heard that MANY times.” Thanks again for so many ways in which you help us inject our lessons with things we ourselves may not come up with.
I think that it is up to the student to decide whether or not they want to continue lessons. I mean, if they want to quit, I would be sad, but it is important for students to enjoy what they are learning and it would be better for them to have fun with what they are learning and actually learn rather than not like it and be forced to learn. If they are forced to learn whatever instrument they are learning, they may come to hate whoever made them play it, or even the instrument itself. I have a quote to support this.
“No matter where you are, you have to have the energy to keep on doing the things that you like until the final moment.” — Kagami Junichiro from Denpa Kyoushi
This is such a well crafted email! I have a student who I am afraid is going to quit. The problem is also that he doesn’t have much support at home. His parents have been unwilling to get him a proper instrument because they think this is just a phase. Is there anything I can do?
This blog post might help Esty! https://www.teachpianotoday.com/2013/06/23/dont-play-in-figure-skates-how-to-convince-parents-to-upgrade-a-childs-piano/
I love your article on quitting piano lessons. I require parents to give me a 30 day notice before discontinuing lessons. This gives me time to talk to the parent and student about quitting. It also keeps parents who are low on money that month from quitting so they don’t have to pay piano tuition.