Our youngest daughter turned three in October. At this stage, many parents would be relieved that they made it through the “terrible twos”. But truth be told, we didn’t feel relief because Halle was a lovely two-year-old.
Three, however, is proving more of a challenge. For the last month, our delightful little girl has been a bit of a “holy terror”… for lack of a better term. Maybe it’s because she just started preschool. Maybe it’s because her older sister isn’t at home to be her constant playmate, as she was all summer. Or maybe it’s because she’s entered a stage of disequilibrium… as described by some behavioral therapists.
But truth be told, the reason for her behavior is not as important as our response. And our response is to stay the course. That is, to continue to parent as we always have, with love, understanding… boundaries, and consequences.
Because, although our first instincts (and our heartstrings) tell us to let bad behavior slide, we know that not only do kids need boundaries, but kids like boundaries… and slacking on these boundaries will only make things worse.
And So It Is With Troubled Piano Students
As a piano teacher, you know that teaching piano is just one aspect of your job. Being a role model, counselor, and friend is also part of the job description. And in these additional roles, you become keenly aware of the ups and downs in the lives of your students… ups and downs that can have a huge impact on their piano progress.
Like me, when events in your piano students’ lives contribute to periods of “down” time, your first instinct is to probably cut them some slack and let things slide.
But in my experience, this only serves to exasperate the situation.
When kids are struggling with life they need structure and predictability. They need to feel secure in knowing that someone is maintaining a sense of control. And that someone can be you.
You do not need to drop your piano practice demands or turn a blind eye to forgotten books or unread lesson notes. Letting these things slide, contributes to the chaos… it also contributes to lack of progress… which contributes to increased frustration. And before you know it, bad times are getting worse.
So go ahead…
And maintain those boundaries free of guilt.
But do so with an extra dose of compassion and understanding. Help your struggling piano students fulfill their duties by making piano practice something that is good in their lives. Give your struggling piano students a fun reason to read those lesson notes. And throw out a little incentive to keep them prepared and organized when lesson day arrives.
If you can let them know you care by showing them that you’ve “got everything under control”, piano lessons will be a safe haven for your troubled students.
karen says
thank you- this was just the right time for me to read something like this
Susan says
I fully agree, and I blogged about this a while back. In many ways, piano lessons are therapy for kids …
http://girlsinwhitedressesblog.com/2014/02/27/piano-lessons-as-therapy/
Heather Kolankowski says
Isn’t that the truth Susan. I had one student complete her Grade 8 because “I was the coolest adult she knows and she likes hanging out with me”. Seriously, WOW! I wasn’t expecting that from a 16 year old!
Abigail Poirier says
But what about when they’re otherwise happy and healthy, but they just started high school and it’s a 45 minute commute both ways and they have oodles of homework? The last thing I want to do is make them feel more stressed for time.
Sue Dugan says
Abigail, I have been teaching a long time and found the most effective method for transition stages is to remind the students to find small moments for practice. I have been reinforcing this with all my students especially as children have become “overly” busy these days. For example, doing their theory the same day as their lesson. It helps them to put into practice what you have covered and doesn’t take a long time to do. I find the really busy students tend to practice less and I am trying to encourage daily practice, even if it is not the entire amount of time they should be doing.
Katherine Bourdon says
When I see that my students are really struggling with other issues going on in their lives and have a hard time practicing, I have them review their favorite songs or pieces for the next week (or two). I do the same with older students too—we might even “take a break” by easing up on difficult pieces for a bit and letting them choose some easier pop music, or again getting out an old, favorite piece.
Most often I find when kids are dealing with struggles in their lives it’s because they are in a situation they can’t control (parents’ divorce, etc.) Letting a student choose a simpler piece to work on in their lesson gives the student a small opportunity to feel that they have some control when so much around them might be chaotic.
Jacqueline Graham says
Katherine, I “LOVE” your post, and have gone through experiencing this. I am both a student and a teacher. I have one son that recently got married, and another that moved to NC for his studies. These are blessed events, and I am “proud” of my children, yet…..being a single parent mom that had never experienced children getting married or leaving the nest, it was bitter-sweet. I was a bundle of tears and found myself getting a little depressed on occasions. I am a hard core student when it comes to my studies and practice, however, at this point my focus was not up to par. I was attending my lessons while changes were in motion, but wasn’t able to give it my best. My instructor kept things in a positive flow by tailoring that lesson according to my mind-frame. Involving me, changes were made with the pieces that I am working on. I needed to continue in my studies during this time, yet…… a [brief] break from pieces that were complex to pieces that are more therapeutic. What a healing! The challenging pieces were not tossed. I am working on them in the background at a pace that I can mentally handle without worrying about expectations from my teacher upon the next lesson. This brief break is actually giving me “energy” to get back on task…..whereas, before, I was feeling blocked, frustrated, and like a loser in not being able to accomplish what I wanted to with the complex pieces. I am thankful for having such an understanding and inspiring teacher!
Jimmi Wilson says
Thx for encouragement, wisdom, and practical applications. You guys rock!
Barbara says
All good points here. It is a delicate balance of when to stay the course and when to ease up. I like Katherine’s comment about letting the student feel a little bit of control over something in situations she described. Sometimes just keeping the student playing something is better than nothing. On the other hand we often feel sorry for students with all the homework and other activities, BUT no matter what the “reason” we can’t help them become their best if THEY don’t MAKE the time to work on piano. As we all know, the time doesn’t just magically open up. I consider it a “life lesson.” If you want to be successful, there are going to be some uncomfortable times, and often “keeping your nose to the grindstone” will get your through them with a sense of accomplishment on the other side.
We are, indeed, so much more than piano teachers as Andrea says. I think keeping in mind our intention for each student will be a guide to which hat to put on that day. And we are so lucky to have a community like TPT to share ideas and ask for help. Thanks to all!
Heather says
Excellent reminder!
Heather Kolankowski says
As a Piano Teacher and a Therapeutic Yoga Instructor I see so many people who simply need some extra TLC……….sometimes a lot of TLC. Very often an open ear and kind hand can pave the way to success. Thank you TPT for providing the teaching community with so many fantastic resources so that we can spend our time “with” our students at lesson.
Judy says
Yes, I appreciate hearing that also. What I find more common is the stress on students because of too many activities after school. A couple of things happen — they are so tired all the time, especially when they come to their lesson; or, because they may not have practiced very much ( to put it nicely), the sense of accomplishment or moving ahead is frustrated and they lose heart and the joy of playing music. This, I would have to say, is a relatively new occurrence in our student’s lives. I’ve taught lessons for over 30 years and I KNOW it’s different. If I may whine one more time, WHY don’t parents see that sports or dance or art lessons do not require time outside of the activity, music lessons DO require time, daily ,( oh I wish) to make progress. And joyful success.
It’s very true, music lessons are often therapeutic, and I’m happy to be there for the students. And I will try more to keep boundaries – I see the wisdom of your blog.Thanks!
emily says
After 39 years of teaching I had the unspeakable happen at a lesson. I had a beating happen in my home by a divorced parent who had a problem with a weekend visitation glitch with the other divorced parent. It happened in front of the children at a lesson in my house and required 7 police cars to attend to the situation. These are well educated , well healed folks who got ugly in my peaceful, seemingly safe environment. There were months of follow ups with the law and child protective services and truthfully…..I haven’t been the same perky piano teacher that I once was. I had tried to make a difference in these children’s lives but the damage was too deep by the disturbed parents. They sure didn’t teach this in pedagogy classes I took…..
Caroline Quinn says
I’m so sorry to hear that you had such a terrible experience. I hope that this dreadful memory will fade away in time and there will be healing.
Caroline Quinn says
Yes….yes…yes….we are part of their village and more important than we realize at times. Thanks for the great blog. Excellent insights.
Martha Carstens says
Thank you very much. This came just at the right time, for I have one little boy who takes his parents’ divorce very badly and I tend to turn a blind eye to forgotten books and him not practising.
Colleen says
There are no such thing as terrible two’s . I thought two’s were terrific and three’s are when the terrible started . They have little minds of there own . But seriously 19 was the worse , the know it all stage .
The most difficult time with my students is the excuses for not practicing . Though some have been good ones , most are because most parents have lack of structurer with their children and our kids need to be unplug . Best excuse so far this year has been ( I practiced in my head . Does that count ? ) LOL . I write down throughout the year all the crazy things that my students say , someday I will have to make a book