Question: What do you say to parents who want to stay for lessons and interrupt your style of teaching? I clearly state that parents stay in the next room!
Any piano teacher who has been teaching for more than…well, 30 seconds…knows that no matter how clearly your piano studio policy may be worded, you will always have clients who suddenly feign illiteracy. You can bold, underline, italicize, highlight, headline…surround it with the cutest of musical borders…it just doesn’t seem to matter. However, the issue of parents sitting in on piano lessons is, fortunately, an easy fix.
Let me introduce you to my waiting area.
First things first. If you are going to expect your piano students’ parents to not sit in on lessons you need to provide them with an attractive alternative. Some parents are happy to wait in their car… but for those who crave a deeper connection with your piano studio (or who would rather not wile away the half hour in their tiny Prius) you will need a waiting area. Unfortunately, this means more square footage of your home is taken up by business use, but if you want parents to stay out of the piano lesson room you need to offer them a place to go instead.
It’s All in the Approach
Secondly, establish boundaries from the get-go. If it’s a first piano lesson, be clear by saying “…and Mom can wait out here for you until you are done!” (cue the welcoming gesture towards your waiting room). If you’ve been struggling with an avid sitter-inner for awhile then try saying to the student “…and today is a special day! You get to come in all by yourself!” (cue the firmly shut studio door). Once the “all by yourself” lesson is over, send an email that night to the parent mentioning how wonderfully focused and productive the lesson was that day, and suggest that you try it the same way next week to keep that momentum going.
It’s Watching Day!
Wean parents away from sitting in on lessons by having a scheduled “watching day”. My daughter’s ballet teacher does this, and it’s a clever way to take the sting out of her “No parents allowed” policy. Allow the parent to sit in on the piano lesson on these designated days. Make a big deal about watching days. Mark them on your studio calendar. Hang up a poster. Make it quite clear that these days are the exception. And have fun on watching day! Teach them to play a fun mother daughter/son duet (Heart And Soul anyone?), surprise them by having your student perform an original composition dedicated to Mom etc. etc. Make it an event, and they’ll appreciate the gesture.
So You’re Going to be Difficult Are You?
Of course some parents will still think that the above need not apply to them. In this case, a face-to-face, heart-to-heart is in order. Ask their child to head into the studio to warm-up and have a frank chat outside the studio room with the parent. Voice your concerns about why it isn’t working for you to have them in the lesson room. Be genuine and polite, and emphasize why it is affecting their child’s piano education. Don’t be afraid to be the authority. You are, after all, the one they are paying to obtain your expertise.
If this still doesn’t work I’m venturing to guess that you are also having issues in other areas of your piano studio policy with this particular parent… and I extend my condolences whole-heartedly!
I welcome parents in lessons….especially with young students! However, when I meet with them before lessons begin, I make these things very clear: 1)Not every student will focus and/or learn well with a parent in the room (I explain that whole dynamic of young children facing what I call “authority conflict” — if there are two authority figures in the room, they don’t know who to listen to, so they often just don’t.); 2) Absolutely no cell phone use — no texting, gaming, etc. It must be silenced and put away, so as not to be a distraction; 3) The parent should only take an observational role, to enable them to better help their child practice at home. I explain to them that they need to be willing to leave all instruction, correction, and discipline up to me; 4) Then, I give myself an “out” by explaining that, if it looks like it’s not a good thing to have the parent in the room, I will have to ask them to sit in one of the waiting areas in our building.
Honestly, I have more trouble with myself than I do the parents. I am a talker! I have to be very careful to make sure I don’t end up spending 10 minutes of the lesson chatting with the parent.
Hi Rebecca,
Those are great guidelines for parents to abide by. I too don’t mind parents in on lessons myself, but I do find that often their kids mind! They like the one-on-one time with me and having their mom in there interrupts that. However, if you have a “little monkey” there is no better way to keep them in check than having mom in the room sometimes!
Have a great weekend!
I don’t have a problem with a parent in the lesson, in fact I welcome parents in the lesson most of the time. If it’s not a good thing, the parent usually recognizes it. What I do have a problem with is parents who teach a student differently than I try to teach them or parents who think their student should be playing music that they are not physically, technically or knowledgeably ready to play.
I recently gave a student some music to choose from a book for exams. The student chose a song he liked; the parent went to the last and most difficult piece in the book which was a piece I thought rather dull. Furthermore, one of the pieces I recommended, they ignored and didn’t even bring the next week. Due to illnesses, we got a late start on the exam pieces and it is the student’s first year in the exams, so I wanted a piece he would like, learn quickly and have a successful experience. I would welcome that parent at the lessons.
Hi Julie,
Good points – yes, it can be a difficult struggle if you have parents who are involved in the lessons in ways other than just sitting-in on them! We had someone ask a question about parents purchasing repertoire that was above level. We’ll probably do a Q&A post about that in the future 🙂
Happy Teaching!
Very, very understandable…
I still think many teachers, as well as parents, can be prudes/”sticks in the mud” in certain respects (musically speaking), however, in ways they might not realize, or they consider those qualities to be virtues, strengths, etc. Students, some in particular of course, know what they want to play, and if they don’t, just look at their expressions when they play different sorts of pieces. I know what my students like to play, and for the vast majority, if not just about all of them, there is a GREAT deal of interest in music with particularly strong, memorable melodies, richer harmonies (if they are ready for bigger/more complex chords, etc.), and more emotion, personality, character, variety of mood, intensity of emotion and mood, excitement, surprise, contrast, all that stuff. Overly repetitive (though I still emphasize technical exercises with students), technical but not as musical, simple (classical style), abstract, impersonal, intricate, “formal”, etc. music just doesn’t have quite the same appeal… You could give a student a choice of 10 different classical and baroque style pieces, and if they are all “boring”, good luck with that student practicing really, really hard…
Living and teaching in a small town has its advantages. My parents drive up to the door of my music studio and the student gets out and mom/dad drives off. I’ve been around and well known enough in this town that no one gives it a second thought about me or my teaching methods. The piano is right in front of a full wall window and anyone can look in at any time if there is ever a question. I do NOT teach out of my home — that’s my space.
Hi Jeannie,
Your studio sounds just like mine! I love my big windows…and yes, most of my parents do the drop-off routine too. I think having your piano studio outside your home makes issues like this easier to deal with somehow. Thanks for commenting!
I’m with Rebecca on this one. I prefer that the parents of young students observe the lessons so they know how to help their child focus their practice time at home. My studio is set up so there is both a piano room and a “waiting area.” The piano room is closed off just enough so that the child cannot see/is not distracted by their parents who are waiting in the other room…. but it’s open enough so that the parents can observe the lesson.
I do, however, prefer that the parents of older students do not attend. Teenagers are especially shy when their parents are sitting in the other room!
Hi Stacey,
Good points! My own mom sat in on my piano lessons when I was small – and I think I progressed faster because of it as she was able to then help me at home. She also played piano, however, so it was a good arrangement that way. Yes, parents and teens in lessons aren’t a good idea! I think piano lessons are a great “escape time” for teens and that definitely interrupts that for them if mom is in the corner! 🙂 Have a great weekend.
You know, as I teach the vast majority of my students in their own homes, I don’t have any set policies about this kind of thing. However, yes, I have had a few students now, at least, where there was some degree of awkwardness/difference between the feelings and sentiments of the father, mother, and student(s), regarding any number of things that come up in piano, etc. lessons.
Most, of not just about all parents don’t want teachers to feel uneasy about a situation that comes up in this regard, of course. Well, let’s say most. So, in my experience, as well as how I teach (being quite flexible, to say the least), I am quite comfortable with the parent doing the disciplining, while I stick to simply teaching piano, horn, composition, etc. I thoroughly dislike disciplining, esp. younger children, even using softer voices when disciplining. But there are times when I have done it (disciplining), only with parental approval, when in their home. I don’t mind at all not being the disciplinarian.
This being said, it is usually the mother who is more involved with lessons, when taught in their home… of course. 😀 Dads tend to be puttering around the garage, any number of other things… I’ve had a tiger mom (bless her heart, I understand where she is coming from), I’ve had a mom/dad difference in teaching philosophy/method (that was a little “interesting”), and a mom interrupting lessons regarding lesson material-more than one of these situations-generally, this is actually not a big deal, even though it can completely throw a teacher off. As I value flexibility and cooperation with parents QUITE a bit in my own teaching, perhaps it is not as jarring to me, as it would be for other teachers. But, then again, this is why many teachers do not teach students in their homes.
I definitely understand your sentiments though. The redirection of many more energetic, etc. kids is something I am extremely used to, by this point. So, you know, sometimes lessons do turn into a bit more lively kind of thing… Fortunately, this has tended to be more of a positive thing for all involved, rather than something negative.
Yes, there is a very different atmosphere for the more serious parents and students, whether taught in the home, or not (and most advanced, pre-pro, etc. students are not taught in their homes/residences). It just all depends. What I do, is to just respect what the parents want. This is of paramount importance, when teaching students at home, etc.