When was the last time an email popped into your inbox that made you think “Hmmmm… how on earth should I reply to that?” Do you sometimes wish there was a place you could go to find a great response to the most common questions asked by piano parents?
Well, we’re here to help!
Today we’re going to address a common question that hits piano teachers’ email inboxes this time of year. If your recital is upcoming, be prepared to hit copy and paste on our response.
The “Too Nervous To Perform At The Recital” Email.
“Hi Andrea… Sarah’s really getting worked up about the recital tomorrow. I don’t know if she’s going to play. She’s really anxious and I think we might just sit this one out.”
While there are certainly students who suffer from extreme anxiety (and for whom this blog post does not apply), more often than not this message usually comes from the parent of a child who is very capable of performing in front of an audience (but doesn’t know it yet) and who could really benefit from the confidence boost that a successful performance provides.
So what can you say to let your students’ parents know that this experience is valuable and very “worth it” for them to give their child the nudge she needs?
Here’s how I respond to this email:
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you so much for letting me know how Sarah is feeling. It’s completely normal to be nervous before a performance… I’m sure many of the students who will be performing tomorrow are feeling the same way.
I do think it would be very beneficial for you to encourage Sarah to participate despite her anxiety. Each time she opts out of something that makes her feel nervous it reinforces her false belief that she can’t do it. The more times this belief is reinforced, the more difficult it will be for her to perform in the future.
Piano recitals are a supportive environment, allowing students to practice working through these feelings of nervousness. Recitals are the perfect place to learn that nerves are okay, that they are a normal part of life, and that it feels really good to conquer them!
I believe that children learn so much more than how to play the piano by taking piano lessons. One of the “bonuses” that lessons provide is the chance for children to learn that they have the courage to get up in front of a large group of people. It is easier to gain this this ability in childhood. By conquering her nerves at a young age, years from now Sarah will be a confident adult who believes in herself and who knows she can push herself to achieve… even when it feels difficult.
Believe me, I know how hard it can be to be a parent and and to see your child feeling anxious. It’s our first instinct to simply take away the situation that is causing her concern so that she feels better. However, by encouraging Sarah to participate in our recital you are showing her that you believe in her and her abilities. The confidence she stands to gain from proving to herself that she can do this is more valuable than momentarily protecting her from feelings of discomfort.
She is so prepared and has worked so hard on her pieces – I really do hope to see you there.
Let me know what she decides,
Andrea
How Do YOU Respond?
This is my response, but we’d love for you to add to the letter! How would YOU respond to this email? Share in the comments below.
Susan says
April 26, 2016 at 4:11 amIf I knew in advance I’d suggest a duet instead of a solo.
For the most nervous this would be a student/teacher duet. How about encouraging the nervous to attend even when not playing in order to see how others cope? This could be really helpful if there is somebody who fluffs something but handles it. Come along and decide when the time comes?
Consider smaller piano parties for to give nervous performers a more informal setting in which to try out their first performances?
This is an extra challenge for adult students.
Sometimes you just have to accept that people are not in it to perform and that their playing is a very personal thing. (Would not perform until I was approaching 50 years old).
Kelly says
April 26, 2016 at 5:18 amI second the duet suggestion! In the past, I have purposefully chosen recital pieces for students that have teacher duets, but can also stand alone for students that are more shy. I don’t tell them there is a duet in advance, but if it comes time that they cannot be talked into playing by themselves, then I pull out the duet. That still gives them the experience of playing in the recital.
Sandra says
April 26, 2016 at 6:22 amFor shy/anxious piano students the student/teacher duet gives them the added confidence of not being alone on the bench in front of all those people. And they get the glow that results in participating. ….For voice students, I organize small ensemble numbers for those who are not feeling ready to do a solo.
Once I had a little guy who didn’t want to play; but when he got to the venue and chatted with the other kids he changed his mind. He came up to me just before the concert started and said, “By the way, I WILL be playing!” …and gave me a thumbs up.
Andrea says
April 26, 2016 at 10:40 amGreat story Sandra! Yes… if ever I have a student I can’t convince I always ask them to attend so they can see the others perform (and I hope that they’ll change their mind!) 🙂
Marcia says
April 26, 2016 at 4:22 amOccasionally I have had a student come and play for me on the day of the recital….It shows you are concerned and gives the student an extra dose of confidence. I also perform duets with students.
Andrea says
April 26, 2016 at 10:40 amThat’s a great idea Marcia – I always keep the really nervous ones sitting beside me (and not their parents) during the recital as well as I think sometimes kids feed off of their own parents’ nerves. If I could keep them all at my house the day of the recital I would LOL 😉
Susan says
April 26, 2016 at 4:51 amSo well-worded! I guess I’ve been fortunate that I don’t think I’ve had to face this situation. But if and when I do — I’m using your reasoning. Thanks!
Kathleen Gault says
April 26, 2016 at 4:54 amThis letter is great. I think it covers the most important points — reminding parents of the bigger picture. As a child I hated performing so much that I once hid my music at a recital by sitting on it, when the teacher accidentally skipped by me in the student lineup. It was a students-only recital, so there was no printed program, and only a bunch of chairs crammed into a corner of the teacher’s already-crowded studio. He called out each student’s name from a list, and somehow he missed me. When I realized it, I quietly tucked my music (it was something by Kabalevsky — which I could play perfectly well) under my skirt and tried to look even more invisible. And he never called on me! This was a situation where I felt very intimidated by being the least advanced (and new to this teacher) player in a group of amazingly talented kids playing much more difficult music, and I was so relieved to have ‘escaped’. However, it took me years and years to get over my terror of performing once I got to college. I actually only lasted another year with this locally rather well-known teacher, then I quit piano altogether in my sophomore year of high school. That could have been the end of my playing, except that I was the only pianist in a family of brass and woodwind players, who always seemed to need accompanying. That and my love of playing through old sheet music kept my fingers and brain going until I got to college and met my wonderful, charismatic, and determined teacher/mentor whose initial words (when I signed up for his group piano class) were ‘My dear, you should be a music major’ and down the rabbit hole I went. Of course I had to perform constantly, and I went from blind panic and numb hands to joyful ham in 4 years. I am now in the reverse position of being the teacher of reluctant students, and although my instinct as a former terrified non-performer is to let them off the hook, I remind myself of all the reasons you list in your letter, and use duets and groups as a supplement/fall-back, when necessary. I also think the esprit de corps of a group of students who play for each other often is an added motivation for kids to get up and play. Great post, thanks so much again. I’m keeping this template handy forever.
Linda H. says
April 26, 2016 at 7:34 amThat’s a great story and perfect example!
Andrea says
April 26, 2016 at 10:42 amYour students are so lucky Kathleen as you understand very closely how they are feeling 🙂 I love telling my students about times when I was nervous or when I made a mistake in a performance as I think that it helps to normalize it for them. Thanks for sharing your story – I have one that’s similar… but I was 5 and was up on stage before I decided I’d rather not play… very embarrassing 😉
Jennifer says
April 26, 2016 at 5:03 amEspecially for first time performers, if we’re not already doing a duet, I’ll offer to sit at the bench with them like the lesson. (I’ll explain it to the parents so they will know that this year I will also be in the pictures!) It’s a little bit of hand holding that eases them into performing. So far, without exception, the student has built the confidence to perform on their own the following recital. I really enjoy your posts!
natalie whittington says
April 26, 2016 at 5:34 amyes, i agree and the wording is excellent. I also use duets for overly anxious students to give them the relief that someone else will be on the stage alongside them. I also use 2 pianos on stage and play the duet from the back piano so as not to be so intrusive but still up the comfort factor.
Kelly Koch says
April 26, 2016 at 6:43 amI had one nervous/shy girl and I told her it was ok, she didn’t have to perform, she could help me hand out programs. “Programs?” she said? I showed her the previous year’s program with all of her buddies listed. Then, we had the lesson. You could see she was chewing on it…at the end of the lesson, she said she wanted to be “on the program”. Reverse psychology, no?
Andrea says
April 26, 2016 at 10:43 amLove it Kelly – great idea!
Susan says
April 26, 2016 at 7:10 amDuets are something I use to. Also…I have them play their songs for someone new each week, just the one song, and the audience has to sit and listen. Maybe Dad is first, then mom’s friend, grandma etc, so each week before the recital they perform.
Linda H. says
April 26, 2016 at 7:45 amMy most “nervous” students are the teenagers. As they get older they get more anxious about performing…at least most of them. They already know how it feels to get up there and hope your finger muscles don’t do something stranger than they’ve ever done before! :). A few of the younger ones are nervous, but for the most part at that age nervousness and excitement blend together. I very much would send this letter to someone whose child is balking at performing. So many points made in such a good way. Ahhh…piano lessons….they are a wonderful thing! BTW, Andrea, did the student “in question” finally show up a play? 😉
Andrea says
April 26, 2016 at 10:45 amIt’s true – teens develop this sense of self-awareness that younger children often don’t have and that can translate into nerves. I’ve had a lot of success in getting teens to collaborate with duets/accompanying etc. it seems to alleviate their nerves. I’ve had several students who have had performance anxiety and whom I’ve sent this letter to. It’s worked some times and it hasn’t worked other times, but the times it hasn’t worked we then had a “back up” arrangement where they performed in a different way (via video or in a smaller setting). They don’t get “off the hook” completely 😉
Karen says
April 26, 2016 at 7:57 amGreat letter! I agree that my older students are the ones who are hesitant. I have one freshman boy who won’t even come to group lessons! I also use duets and I also allow students to use music, if that mak s them or comfortable….we talk about the pros and cons and WHY they feel the need to use music (and usually how much BETTER they play without it!)
Maureen says
April 26, 2016 at 8:10 amThis is a great post — thank you! I feel very strongly that recitals are an important part of learning and teaching piano — I was never given the opportunity when I was taking lessons as a teenager, and while I was relieved to find out my teacher did not offer recitals, something inside of me knew that I was missing out on an important part of the experience. I stopped playing for years, and it took me decades to overcome performance anxiety, and I still struggle with it. I have been teaching now for two years, and even though I only have a few students, they are about to have their first recital in June — at their insistence! How fortunate am I — we can learn and grow from our students, not just the other way around!
Mary says
April 26, 2016 at 10:38 amI like to tell my students of all of the really famous musicians who also struggle with performance anxiety-one whose wife had to literally push him on stage every performance! I also do duets with the beginners, which seems to help most. We do the recitals here in my home-familiar surroundings with a very familiar piano and candy dish nearby! I have only had one student in my 44 years of teaching that refused to perform the evening of the recital. She was first on the program, her 2 older siblings were also on the program. I still remember the look of absolute terror on her face as she was called up front (this was in an auditorium). She shook her head-she was not coming up to play. Her mother was so embarrassed and no amount of begging and threatening would change her mind. Her yearly trip to Valley Fair amusement park was even held out-she refused even that. What happened the next year? We talked about her fears, she had another year under her belt and she was NOT first on the program.
Karen says
April 26, 2016 at 11:10 amFor about 4 weeks prior to the recital, I have the students perform for each other (at the end/beginning of lessons.) Sometimes parents are present as well. They get used to playing in front of others. I also record them playing (simulates the nervousness they will have performing.) I tell them we’re working out the nerves ahead of time. Then I used your “superhero pose” idea — had them gather before the concert to do their superhero poses. It was relaxing and empowering for them. They came back into the recital hall laughing. They were very relaxed and everyone performed very well. I do duets with beginners. We had 2 pianos on stage and I play behind, so you can’t really even see me in the videos! This year, I had the wrong music for the 2nd page and had to stop and, laughingly explain that we needed to start over. Everyone laughed, including the student. Second time through was perfect! Everyone had fun.
Louise says
April 26, 2016 at 11:19 amDuets, duets, duets..first with teacher and then with other students. lots of group lessons where they play for each other. Then have parents for a “parent show.”
Recital rehearsals in the studio where we practice all the elements of the recital. I practice my welcome speech so they know I’m nervous too but we are all in this together. Rehearsal again, in the recital hall. Pick out really fabulous music, teach them to smile. that joy they are feeling is infectious. Tell them how happy they have made others feel.
Rozanne Spires says
April 26, 2016 at 1:10 pmI’m the goat in this nice assemblage of sheep, as I’m a violin teacher. We have group class every week, and this is where our kidlets get a lot of performance experience. In the weeks leading up to the recital, everyone plays their recital piece with me, the accompanist. Our children, kinder – 5th grade, will have minor nerves on recital evening, but by then they are feeling pretty ready. Don’t know if that is the least bit helpful . . .
Julie says
April 26, 2016 at 3:47 pmI really affirm the content of the letter, however I would say that personally to the parent over a phone call or in person, to affirm to the parent that their child is capable and prepared well (if they are) for the concert. I tell them that I would not put them in for the concert if they weren’t ready and able to play their pieces well. I have actually never had a child not play at the concert that I hold at the end of each year. I make sure I speak with each parent about how important this is for their self-confidence. Occasionally we have left out a piece in the last week that hasn’t been ready, but I get them to do 2 or 3 concert pieces each so there’s always something ready to play. It’s become a party as I supply afternoon tea afterwards and the word is out that it is really fun and that everyone plays, so it’s already got that momentum. The concert is also a great opportunity for parents to chat with each other, and to give the younger students a chance to see the level they will be at soon. Such a great thing to do.
Kris says
April 26, 2016 at 8:07 pmI teach at a Christian day school. On the Friday before the recital, the classroom teachers host a warm-up recital in their classroom. The piano students get a chance to play for their classmates, the teachers have a chance to see and hear what their students are learning outside of class time, and their friends learn how to be supportive and perhaps start thinking about taking lessons themselves. It’s a win-win experience.
Andrea says
April 26, 2016 at 10:43 pmThat sounds like a lovely idea Kris!
May Laing says
April 27, 2016 at 12:56 pmI needed this today! Impeccable timing as ever TPT x
Arthur Glover says
May 2, 2016 at 6:03 pmThe last recital I did, I had one student who was not comfortable planning both the right and left hand parts of her song. Therefore, I paired her with a more proficient to perform a duet and that gave the child a lot of confidence as she performed the song.